Archive for ponderings

Why not just be happy…


I have been close to my weight loss goal for months now. It has gotten really hard to lose weight and keep it off at this point. I exercise 3-5 times per week and for the most part follow my eating plan. But it is not budging or only does when I am really really strict.

Should I just decide to be happy and keep up with the exercise and see what happens. Being concerned about the numbers is kind of dragging me down. I am a very competitive person who does not like to cheat. So I have set a goal and I want to complete it. Is the goal dragging me down though. When I weigh myself it can either make or break my day and that is a bad thing. I should just BE HAPPY.

Where do i go from here. Right now the dogs are prancing around the house,chewing slippers, and barking at Jehovah`s Witnesses walking down the street. They need to go for walkies, I need to go for walkies.


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What went wrong and how I and how I am going to fix it.

releasing a bird

I had considered just sitting down and writing out my feelings in a journal but then I thought there might be a helpful blog post in the middle of all of my angsting.

Last week I was 177 lbs and hanging on by my fingernails and then a series of unfortunate events happened and I went on a bit of a bender. I will lay them out for you and myself so I might learn, forgive and move on.

Too much work: I worked my normal amount of shifts plus a couple of early morning short shifts and I switched a couple so the compliment of days made it seem like I was constantly at work. I even scheduled myself so that I worked until 11 pm one night and then had to be at work the next morning at 6 am. Not recommended. I only had to work for three hours that morning mind you, but I am really starting to accept that fatigue is a huge influence in my weight loss/gain.

Giving in to temptation: At work while I was tired I decide it wouldn’t be so bad if I had a cranberry bliss  bar, well that set off a cascade of poor eating choices. It is almost like I have tunnel vision and I can only see the object of my desire and I will not rest until it is consumed therefore it can not longer be mocking me, tempting me. I need to accept that I do have a problem with moderation. If I start with a single treat I usually can not stop I end up spiraling downward. I know so dramatic but it is true. Most likely similar to all other addictions, craving the immediate rush from the object of your affection, be it alcohol, gambling, or food.

The flu shots: I know this might sound like a cop-out but I seriously felt awful after the shots. For the first two days it was just sore arms and a bit of a headache.  As time went on I developed chest pain and a racing heart, very sore joints, fatigue. The heart rate was most disturbing, I could actually feel my pulse bounding through my whole body and it was giving me a horrible anxious feeling. To be fair to the flu shots, Mark was feeling similarly and he didn’t have the flu shots so perhaps we both had a different flu going through us.

Halloween candy: For the first 3 days I didn’t touch the stuff. Then I started feeling really tired (see first excuse) and needed a bit of a pick me up. So I had a couple and then you know what happened (see excuse # 2). Moderation is not really something I am good at. Kind of an all or nothing kind of girl. Working on it.

Gloomy weather: I find that I am very affected by the grey sky, it intensifies my poor mood, makes me more tired, I tend to seek out simple carbs to elevate my mood.

Lack of quality sleep: With all of the strange shift work and my innate desire to stay up late (it is my time for me) I believe that I have not been getting a enough quality sleep and that is throwing off my hormone level and surely causing me to crave things that elevate my alertness and mood.

Indecision: I have a few ideas that I am working on in my mind and some I have control over and some I do not. I find went I am unable to control a situation I seek out something to control and that is usually food. I can quickly choose something, prepare it and then eat it. Oh and it has the side effect of temporarily elevating my mood with the simple carb content. Then there will be the inevitable crash and subsequent need for more simple carb fuel,sending me in to a tailspin.

Lack of success this past 8 weeks: I set a lofty goal of being finished my weight loss by Nov 9th. I was fairly doable but I have found it so hard to budge these last 17 or so lbs. I feel like I may have wasted the money I put in to the last 8 weeks, and with that comes guilt…Guilt breeds self-destruction. Enter bender.

What can I do starting today

  1. Control my work life a bit better. This is tough because I am always seeking a new challenge and I have never had trouble finding work. Balance needs to be attained.
  2. Realize my limits when it comes to treats. I really can not have just one.
  3. Not much to do about the flu shot/ mystery flu, but to accept that I was not feeling well and that it was okay to rest and get better. This feeling will not persist
  4. Put the Halloween candy out of eyesight. Done…put in sealed containers in the pantry. Out of sight out of mouth.
  5. Can’t control the weather but it is sunny right now and I will take advantage of it and take the doggies for a big walk.
  6. Sleep… I have been better the last couple of days, I refrained from too much TV last night and chose to go to bed at a decent time and read for a few minutes.
  7. Re: Decisions, If I have learned anything in my lifetime is that I should not rush in to decisions that I am not totally convinced of. Leaky condo is big reminder of not rushing in to buying something if you are not sure. That being said sometimes risky decisions are the ones that pay off the most. This topic still needs some work.
  8. Re:Failure/Lack of success and wasted money. Let it go and move on. This is something I often tel my kids. Let it go and move on. If I let the guilt and anxiety about wasted money weigh me down the whole process could become invalid. MOVE ON.

I am going to go to my meeting at the U weight loss clinic (I have been avoiding their calls) and make a plan for how they can help me succeed.



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Swirling ideas

rays of sunshine

My future is so bright...

I have a tonne of ideas swirling around in my head right now. All good things. As my last post indicates I need to find some focus. I do tend to overwhelm myself with projects, jobs, and new ideas. I don’t like to miss out on things and I think that can be to my detriment sometimes and to my advantage as well.

Some people might think I am crazy to have a family, full-time job, 2 casual jobs, write a blog, losing weight, trying to be a bit of an athlete, and an affectionate wife (no snickering Mark). I do have a natural tendency towards the lazy so I suppose I tend to over do it a bit in an attempt to override that tendency.

I am reading Jillian Michaels’ Master your Metabolism book right now (thanks Andrea)  and it really jives with the learning and supplements at U weight loss.I really ought to start getting a commission from Jillian, at least 4 or 5 people I know have bought her video now. Oh well good for her she must be putting out the right vibes to generate such wonderful success. Once I am finished losing the weight forever, I truly believe that I will have a better understanding of my body and how to better maintain it at a healthy weight.

I have found that when the time is right things just fall in to place for me. When I push things too hard and try to force outcomes, I always fall flat and end up seriously disappointed. I am struggling with the fact that I really want to get a website up and running that incorporates all of the things I talk about in the blog and a few more as well. It seems like a big undertaking but I believe that it is my calling and I am meant to provide a service to others trying to find their way to health and happiness. So I am putting it out there universe, let me know when the time is right and send a web designer to my door step.

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Finding focus…


Becky 10k start

My first 10k



I have been getting a bit worked up trying to meet a certain deadline with my weight loss.  I have decided to just chill and stop being so fixated. Just do what has been working well so far, enjoy the process and love the outcome.

The Law of Attraction is something I fervently believe in. So the more I fixate on not losing weight, the less weight will come off. Does that make sense?

I have been listening to  Bob Proctor, I downloaded his audio book It’s not about the money. It is a great book about a personal journey towards wealth, but it also talks about the laws of attraction, confidence, belief in what you want to do with your life.

I have become reinvigorated on my walks with the dogs. It feels like I have come full circle. I began my weight loss journey by walking along the channel with the dogs. I went for a walk today and just powered through the walk I used to get tired doing, and even went further to boot. It is super cold and windy but I find the walk so calming and enjoyable.

Since I started exercising I have progressed from walking short distances, to walking further and faster, to Nordic Walking, and then to running, which morphed in to triathlon. The sky is the limit now…What should I do next? There is a small kernel that is nagging at me like a tiny rock in your shoe on a long run. The kernel is a large triathlon that happens to take place in Penticton. I am not promising anything but I am starting the process by taking a spinning class with Triathlon coaches. I really need to work on swimming but one thing at a time.

This post might have become a little unfocused along the way but oh well. This is my forum.

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One year of weight loss

family photo 2008

family photo 2008

family fall photo final

family photo 2009

I have been working  hard at losing weight for the past year. Some weeks have seen harder work  than others. I could be a little bit disappointed that I haven’t reached my goal of 88 lbs lost yet but then again 70 lbs lost is nothing to sneeze at. Every time I slip up and regress a little I get right back on track now. Before it would have meant a weeks or months long slide in to getting fatter territory. I realize that I will not gain 70 lbs in one night as long as I get right back on the wagon.

I have 4 weeks left at U weight loss in the losing weight phase, then I will move in to maintenance. I would love to go all ” Biggest Loser” and say that I could lose 18-20 lbs in the next 4 weeks. I am also realistic and understand that it is getting harder to lose the closer I get to my goal.

I have officially lost 81.5 inches off of a multitude of places on my body. The biggest change is in my waist/midsection where I have lost over 13 inches.  This is big for me because I was really getting worried about the medical implication of the excess abdominal fat, linked with heart disease and early death. I was also concerned about the increase risk of breast cancer in people who are obese. My Grannie is a breast cancer survivor and one of my favorite people.

We took some lovely family photos this weekend (thank you Dad). I have been shying away from family pictures for the past few years. I really wanted to have a picture I could be proud. The photos have turned out really nice.  It feels great to like how pictures turn out now.

Luv Betty

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My First Crash

bacon bandages

one way to get your bacon fix

On the weekend Mark and I should have been doing yard work or sorting out the jumbled shed but the weather was just too good to not go for a bike ride. So Carpe Diem we did. We decided to ride out along Naramata road for a while and see how it went. Well we got to the first hill, not too far from our house, and I was struggling with my gears a bit and I looked down at the front ring, the handle bars followed my gaze and the wheel caught and edge… knee meets concrete. I felt pretty silly since I was at the bottom of a hill when I bailed, but kind of grateful that I wasn’t going 60km downhill when I ejected from my bike.

carpe diem

I sat there for a minute and pondered the sheer misfortune of an injury at the beginning of the bike ride. Mark was kind by suggesting we go home to either clean it up or wait for another day. Somewhere inside myself I found the internal fortitude to say “no, let’s go on”. We rode all the way to Naramata, down in to the village and stopped for a snack and knee clean up, then we rode all the way home. It was a total of 32 km. Not Ironman distance but pretty good for my second ride of any consequence.

The best reward for me was Mark’s comments. The old Betty would not have gone on after an injury, in fact the old Betty would have found every reason not to start the ride in the first place.  New  Betty sure has a lot more energy and spunk.

I find since I have lost weight I am less intimidated by things. Less scared. I have even fantasized about sky diving. Rollercoasters I might consider now, whereas before there was no way. I was too fat and too scared. Is it a chicken or an egg thing? Was the fat making me scared or was the fat a protective coating because I was scared?

Now that I do not have the weight to insulate me I am open, exposed to the world like a fresh wound. Some days the word is exhilarating and some days there is a bit of a sting. I need to continue to get more comfortable with feeling things and not trying to keep a barrier between me and the sensations.

The knee scrape has made exercising this week a challenge because the swelling makes the knee difficult to bend and the scab is painful to kneel on. I bought Jillian Michaels’ 30 day Shred DVD and I have been aching to try it. I  finally tried it today and it went pretty well. I wasn’t able to do the push up because of the knee but I modified and did wall push ups. I think this will be a good workout. It only takes 20 min and it gives you cardio, strength and core.

my new master

my new master

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Why so sad?


Betty Draper "coping with her cigarette"

Betty Draper from Mad Men "coping with her cigarette"

I am finding depression and anxiety very prevalent in the women I see going through the medical system. It does not seem to matter what socio-economic bracket these women are from they appear to be equally touched by these disorders.

Have there always been this many women struggling with depression and anxiety? Is there more pressure on women now, are we less stimulated, not as connected to our physical self, living in our heads. Did women used to cope in different ways that are not acceptable anymore, such as heavy duty anti-anxiety meds such as valium and the non prescription Merlot? Do women have more pressure on them, more requirements of their time and attention? Or is it a higher report rate; are women just more open with talking about their challenges and willing to accept treatment?

I am not sure of the answer. I have not done any kind of study but I really am surprised how many women seem to be struggling with these potentially debilitating disorders.

Could it be that women in the past have asked for the right to do everything and now our generation is paying the price? Great, now we get to care for the kids, work full-time, handle the banking, food shop, make the food, clean up after the food, wash, fold and put away the laundry, pets to the vet, buy the pet food, and so on and so on, not to mention mowing the lawn, and taking out the garbage. What happened to the pink and blue jobs?

What is to be done about depression and anxiety? I know that I suffer from a low to moderate anxiety. I am a worrier. I sometimes get a cramp in the pit of my stomach when I forget what I was worrying about, then I remember and I feel a sense of relief when I am able to go back to worrying again. I have experienced and acute depression before and it was not fun.

We are often so concerned with our physical health and appearance, what is so different about taking care of our mental health?

For me the things that have been helping me control my anxiety is EXERCISE. What do you know exercise can help keep you physically and mentally healthy? Fighting chaos by keeping my house in order, planning meals, looking ahead on the calendar, all help me keep the anxiety at bay.

People who are self described type A’s are really employing a self protection device. They know their limits for anxiety and they set boundaries for what is acceptable to them. I kind of understand now. I do have a bit of the Type A in me but there is also a messy rebel who does not want to do all of the cleaning on her list (wink Mom).

Not really sure where this rant is going…I wonder if there is a study or a master’s thesis in the study of women’s mental health.

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